Ladder to the Stars

I just want to be released from all the anger I feel toward you right now.  It is a burden too heavy for me to carry.

So I went through, kind of a lot today.  And I decided to email my mom about the experience I just had because she has been right there beside me through all of it.

I don’t know if you’ll check your email before you leave, but I really felt that I needed to share this with you.  I was talking to Christina about how it was a “coincidence” that I was going to church with Amanda in the morning and I was going to be able to see you and Dad tomorrow after everything that I had been through today and I realized, it’s not a coincidence at all.  It all is happening for a reason. 

Amanda sent me a song called “Rise” by Shawn McDonald.  Just look up the lyrics or listen to it.  It is basically about rising up from the ashes.  Tonight I really needed to open my Bible and just read, so I thought I would look through Psalms and as I was flipping through something told me to stop in Job.  I opened to chapter 42.

Then Job replied to the Lord:

When I read the last part, I was laughing, and smiling, and sobbing because it was exactly what I had just listened to.  It was literally the weirdest mix of emotions I have ever experienced.  It all came together and I feel so much clarity and peace now. 

When I am weak, He is strong.  I will get through this. 

This is beautiful Jenna….you are such an amazing, incredible person….*hug*

Thanks Jenn.  I love you and your friendship means so much to me!!

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.

Back in the 70s, my dad gave my mom a trippy blacklight poster with this poem on it.  And she hatedit.  “You are supposed to live up to my expectations!”  She put it away, and she never hung it up because she hated it so much.  Later on in life, she realized how true the saying was.  How much it applied to everything in her relationship with my father.  She came to know that she couldn’t control what happened between them.  She found that her standards and his standards would always be different.  If it is to be, then it will be, if it isn’t, then it won’t.  And it’s that simple.  Almost 40 years later, she still has that poster tucked away.  And they are still in love. 

This is one of the biggest struggles I have in my life right now.  Control.  I feel like I’m living from moment to moment, waiting for something terrible to happen.  And it’s the worst hamster wheel to be on.  The anxiety that I deal with every day has erupted lately and it is literally driving me insane thinking about the world in this way.  It is taking over my life and messing with my relationships and I can’t take it anymore. 

My grandfather struggled with the same thing for many years.  He once told my mother that, “It’s like I had my head down for all these years, and when I looked up, everyone was gone.”  His children had grown up and went away, and he didn’t even get to enjoy the time he had with them because his mind was so consumed with the awful worry.  I don’t want this to become my life.  I don’t want to wake up in 30 years and realize I’ve missed so many things because I was waiting for the worst to happen because I know I’m not in control.

The comfort in all of this is that God is in control.  If there is nothing else I can hang onto right now, it is that.  What will be, will be, and it is all for His perfect plan.  All the pain that I’m feeling right now, I know He will bring me out of it soon.  He has given me people who love me and care about me, He has given me the courage to find a doctor to talk to about everything.  I may not be ok right now, but I know I will be soon.  I will pick my head up and be able to enjoy and love everything around me and live life for today, not worrying about how to control it. 

pbh3:

pbh3:

I’ve been talking to my mom about the way I’ve been feeling lately, and she told me that I’ve always had a hard time expressing how I feel.  Even as a little girl.  But she always paid attention to me and my needs.  If she knew I needed her, she would just come sit next to me and I would lean on her, but if she ever tried to give me a hug when I was upset, I would pull away.  I guess I still have a lot of that in me, but hearing her tell me about when she would simply let me lean on her as a child really made me realize how wonderful she is, and how much I still lean on her.  I don’t know how I would get through life without her listening to me, and I think that the fact that she listened so intently when I was a child is why I still share everything with her.